Patterns

I had a couple very helpful conversations yesterday, and I was reminded of some key aspects of my spiritual malady. I was reminded of what life was like when I came into the program. I recall how sad, lonely, and absolutely desperate I felt when I was in the mist of my alcoholism. I remember how isolating life felt to me at that time.  I remember how angry I was at life, and whatever aspect of God I was willing to except at that time. I remember fighting with my child who was young and innocent and yet i was so angry at him for his disobedience and pushing my buttons. I remember feeling disconnected with everybody in my life was when I had not already shut out.  Remember feeling unappreciated by others, and how so many did not appreciate my "help".

Now miracles happened, and they did so because I was willing to identify with God, ask him to take over my life, and I started to work the steps as suggested to me by those who came before me.  And changes occurred. I was amazed, and others were too, halfway before I was through, just as the big book says and the incredible changes that occurred in my life were outstanding!

Now fast-forward four years later, and I still to this moment am sober.  However, I feel as though I recently have been losing what I have gained through this program. I account that loss not to the desire to drink, but Because I have not working my program. I have been feeling as a victim of life. And I've been allowing that loneliness and isolation to over take me as opposed to reaching out to others and giving it away.

What's interesting enough, and I still need to do a lot more exploration on this, is that I replaced my "program" with religion.  I have justified not attending AA meetings because I replaced them with religious meeting.  I have been giving away the bible to others, but not giving away the Big Book.  But I lost my personal connection with God as I have been more focused on the superficial and the "church" without connecting with He who we worship.

I find this is a pattern of my life.  I tend tohyper-focus  on the details, and ignore the deeper meaning. I also tend to develop in my mind how I see something or someone to be, and then I get angry when their life and their decisions don't jive with my own. This is what I have been doing since I have not been working my program. I Have gotten too focused on my own will instead of God's will for myself and for others. 

I have not gone back out to using, but I can't say I haven't been tempted.  It is this gift of reminders and identifying my patterns that I think are His way of showing me I need to do something different.  I need to do what worked for me before.  So, I am going to do the following today to help me get connected again with my program and others.

1. Pray - I have prayed frequently recently, but I have not been doing the prayers suggested in the big book. I need to get back to the 3rd & 7th step prayers again.

2. Read & Write - I am going to seek out the literature again and use this blog as an avenue to journal.  I don't care if it is ever read by another person; I just need to get my thoughts organized so I don't internalize them.

3. Reach out to others - for today, I will call 3 people in the program, and attend a meeting again.

Thank you Jesus for the reminders of my patterns of my patterns that are self-will.  Thank you for the reminders of what i used to be like, what I did differently to be different then, and what I need to do to feel that peace and happiness again.  Thank you for reminding me that alcoholism is a cunning baffling disease and even without taking the first drink that one is vulnerable to alcoholism just by their thoughts and patterns.