Now miracles happened, and they did so because I was willing to identify with God, ask him to take over my life, and I started to work the steps as suggested to me by those who came before me. And changes occurred. I was amazed, and others were too, halfway before I was through, just as the big book says and the incredible changes that occurred in my life were outstanding!
Now fast-forward four years later, and I still to this moment am sober. However, I feel as though I recently have been losing what I have gained through this program. I account that loss not to the desire to drink, but Because I have not working my program. I have been feeling as a victim of life. And I've been allowing that loneliness and isolation to over take me as opposed to reaching out to others and giving it away.
What's interesting enough, and I still need to do a lot more exploration on this, is that I replaced my "program" with religion. I have justified not attending AA meetings because I replaced them with religious meeting. I have been giving away the bible to others, but not giving away the Big Book. But I lost my personal connection with God as I have been more focused on the superficial and the "church" without connecting with He who we worship.
I find this is a pattern of my life. I tend tohyper-focus on the details, and ignore the deeper meaning. I also tend to develop in my mind how I see something or someone to be, and then I get angry when their life and their decisions don't jive with my own. This is what I have been doing since I have not been working my program. I Have gotten too focused on my own will instead of God's will for myself and for others.
I have not gone back out to using, but I can't say I haven't been tempted. It is this gift of reminders and identifying my patterns that I think are His way of showing me I need to do something different. I need to do what worked for me before. So, I am going to do the following today to help me get connected again with my program and others.
1. Pray - I have prayed frequently recently, but I have not been doing the prayers suggested in the big book. I need to get back to the 3rd & 7th step prayers again.
2. Read & Write - I am going to seek out the literature again and use this blog as an avenue to journal. I don't care if it is ever read by another person; I just need to get my thoughts organized so I don't internalize them.
3. Reach out to others - for today, I will call 3 people in the program, and attend a meeting again.
Thank you Jesus for the reminders of my patterns of my patterns that are self-will. Thank you for the reminders of what i used to be like, what I did differently to be different then, and what I need to do to feel that peace and happiness again. Thank you for reminding me that alcoholism is a cunning baffling disease and even without taking the first drink that one is vulnerable to alcoholism just by their thoughts and patterns.