Rest

Genesis 2:2-3 is the first mention of Sabbath rest the day of rest in seven. By his example, God encourages us to designate a portion of our life to rest and spiritual rejuvenation.  Without proper rest, it is difficult to deal with the other matters of life, especially our progress in recovery.  

I was thinking over the last few months that even though I was not working or actively doing an activity daily, that I was getting all the rest and healing that I need. This definitely was proven wrong as my body did not physically heal after surgery and eight months later I am still struggling with pain and swelling.  

I have since come to understand rest is actually an active process, and not a passive process. What I mean by that, is one cannot simply sit on the couch staring at wall for several hours and think they've achieved all the rest necessary to go about their busy lives. Rest is active. Rest is an intentional activity by taking time to emotionally withdraw from outwardly stresses and focus inwardly towards our God in our center. It is actively removing the noise of the world to be replaced with the voice of The Lord.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Today I pray that you guide my heart to find rest in you. 

Amen

Patterns

I had a couple very helpful conversations yesterday, and I was reminded of some key aspects of my spiritual malady. I was reminded of what life was like when I came into the program. I recall how sad, lonely, and absolutely desperate I felt when I was in the mist of my alcoholism. I remember how isolating life felt to me at that time.  I remember how angry I was at life, and whatever aspect of God I was willing to except at that time. I remember fighting with my child who was young and innocent and yet i was so angry at him for his disobedience and pushing my buttons. I remember feeling disconnected with everybody in my life was when I had not already shut out.  Remember feeling unappreciated by others, and how so many did not appreciate my "help".

Now miracles happened, and they did so because I was willing to identify with God, ask him to take over my life, and I started to work the steps as suggested to me by those who came before me.  And changes occurred. I was amazed, and others were too, halfway before I was through, just as the big book says and the incredible changes that occurred in my life were outstanding!

Now fast-forward four years later, and I still to this moment am sober.  However, I feel as though I recently have been losing what I have gained through this program. I account that loss not to the desire to drink, but Because I have not working my program. I have been feeling as a victim of life. And I've been allowing that loneliness and isolation to over take me as opposed to reaching out to others and giving it away.

What's interesting enough, and I still need to do a lot more exploration on this, is that I replaced my "program" with religion.  I have justified not attending AA meetings because I replaced them with religious meeting.  I have been giving away the bible to others, but not giving away the Big Book.  But I lost my personal connection with God as I have been more focused on the superficial and the "church" without connecting with He who we worship.

I find this is a pattern of my life.  I tend tohyper-focus  on the details, and ignore the deeper meaning. I also tend to develop in my mind how I see something or someone to be, and then I get angry when their life and their decisions don't jive with my own. This is what I have been doing since I have not been working my program. I Have gotten too focused on my own will instead of God's will for myself and for others. 

I have not gone back out to using, but I can't say I haven't been tempted.  It is this gift of reminders and identifying my patterns that I think are His way of showing me I need to do something different.  I need to do what worked for me before.  So, I am going to do the following today to help me get connected again with my program and others.

1. Pray - I have prayed frequently recently, but I have not been doing the prayers suggested in the big book. I need to get back to the 3rd & 7th step prayers again.

2. Read & Write - I am going to seek out the literature again and use this blog as an avenue to journal.  I don't care if it is ever read by another person; I just need to get my thoughts organized so I don't internalize them.

3. Reach out to others - for today, I will call 3 people in the program, and attend a meeting again.

Thank you Jesus for the reminders of my patterns of my patterns that are self-will.  Thank you for the reminders of what i used to be like, what I did differently to be different then, and what I need to do to feel that peace and happiness again.  Thank you for reminding me that alcoholism is a cunning baffling disease and even without taking the first drink that one is vulnerable to alcoholism just by their thoughts and patterns.